Angry

Christa Doran Uncategorized 27 Comments

I rode the wave for as long as it would last. I wrote, I coached, I laughed and I smiled, and then it came crashing down on me and I sat once again in my anger and sadness.

Anger over the fact that my Lea is not the same joyful girl with sparkling eyes. Anger over the fact that she can’t run with her friends, or ride bikes, or enjoy life like she used to. Anger over the fact that there is no cure. Anger over the fact that six weeks of radiation will get our kid back to normal (so they say), only to have this tumor return unless God decides to intervene. Anger over the fact that I have no idea if this will be her last Christmas, or if she will even make it until then. Anger over the fact that a sickness like this exists and every day people, and children, and my child, suffer because of it.

Lea was a champ at her second radiation treatment on Friday. She got right up on the large white table sitting in the middle of this massive, dimly lit room, the paper covering crunching under her body. She allowed them to strap her “mask” over her face without protest as my eyes filled up with tears (again) at the sight of what is happening around us, feeling again, totally out of control. Then we have to leave the room as her “light medicine” does its job. The first time we did this I was not ok. Mike and Cara (our child life specialist) were there to help me through it. Yesterday it was Mike’s turn, and I was able to be strong for him. We have come together as a united force there to help each other. So far, one of us has always been able to be strong for the other.

I allow the feelings in. I let them swirl and sit. I let the tears fall. I pray for strength and peace to survive the unknown with grace. And I clean, as I often do to regain some sense of control.

Hearing other families stories is not helpful to me. I prefer to live in ignorance right now, and take this one day and one obstacle at a time. I don’t want to map out the future or think ahead even one week.

We will not allow Lea to suffer on this earth for our own selfish desires. When, and if it is time, we will ask God to take her. We will let her go, knowing we will see her again in heaven where there is no sickness, and no death. We will pray for peace to get us through something no one should have to endure.

Comments 27

  1. I love you, Christa. You continue to inspire me daily with your openness and vulnerability as you navigate this new and terrible terrain. I continue to keep all my Dorans close in thought, intention, and heart.

  2. Wow! I cried reading this as a mom myself trying to put myself in your shoes was very hard to comprehend! I’m praying for you and your family everyday and praying that God gives u strength and comfort during this time! You r amazing God is in control !!prayers going up right now as I am writing this!❤

  3. Wrapping you in an embrace … how else could you be but in and out of strong emotions of sadness, fear and anger ? Love and strength to you , Mike , Lea and your family ❤️

  4. I pray for peace with you, I also pray for a miracle, I pray for strength for you. No one should have to write the words you have. You touch my heart through tears and I pray to almighty God to guide, comfort and hold you during this difficult time❤️

  5. They say ignorance is bliss. By no means implying you are feeling bliss but rather impressed and inspired by your ability to take this one obstacle at a time. It is a sign of your faith and your courage. Daily prayers for you all. I hope writing your feelings is therapeutic, even if for only the moments you type them. As we all read our prayers are united in God’s love.

  6. Sending you so much love! You & your family are always in my thoughts & prayers. If you ever need anything when you’re at the hospital let me know I work on first floor of Smilow & can bring you coffee, food, anything ?

  7. I wish with all my heart that you and your family did not have to go through this. But your grace and strength are amazing, even as you sit with your anger and sadness. Praying for all of you every day and sending so much love.

  8. Christa & Mike,

    Thank God that you have each other for the day to day strength you each need. I continue to pray for dear Lea, and you both, and the girls. Every family’s experience if different and unique to them. Only you can know how to process and fight this. My prayers, love and support will be here endlessly.
    Love,
    Erin

  9. I pray daily for you, Mike and Lea especially. Hoping for a miracle for you and your family. No one should have to go through this especially a little child. May God Bless you and guide you.

  10. Yesterday I cried most of the day, emotionally exhausted at the end of it. I prayed that I could share some of your burden Christa and I am still praying for that miracle. I love you so much. Thank you for your honesty and heart of love. Thank you for sharing your broken heart with us, true courage and true strength.

  11. God works in strange ways. We may not always understand the path that He is taking us on but there is purpose in the way he works. I know that he has picked you, Christa, to carry this heavy burden because of your amazing strength and compassion for people. Lea has been blessed with you as her mother.

  12. There are no words. Fiercely praying for you for strength and peace as you press beyond tough and through the impossible. Sending so much love your way.

  13. Holding you tight in this daily new normal. Continue to write and feel all the feels. Be strong when needed, use the people around you, your community, family, friends, your faith, whatever gets you through. hugs to lea & to you and your family for having to go through what no one should ever have to. xo LOVE LOVE LOVE xo

  14. Christa, Mike. I cant imagine. I can only feel your pain. You have every right to be angry. I pray for you to have the strength Lea will need from you to fight this terrible thing. You both are magical people the way you help and inspire others. You both created a strong angel who has your strength. There are no words. These words may even sound dumb and meaningless but know many are fighting and praying for you each day. Never give up.

  15. Christa Mike Lea and family. We are thinking of you everyday every moment. Your words are so surreal and present. She sounds like she is amazing and strong like her Mom and Dad raised her to be. I praying for strength and guidance for all of you. Love and hope for Lea

  16. Christa, Thank you for the gift of your writing, your sharing. There are no words that are adequate to express what is in my heart. I meditate about Lea, you, Mike, and your family every day.
    Surrounding you all with love and light.

  17. I don’t know yet u or your family but am friends with Marie Williams. Since she told me I can’t get you or your precious family off my mind. I have a 6 yr old little girl as well. I will tell you that I pray for her and the family daily. May God give you the strength you need and your precious daughter all the faith and Grace He has. I don’t understand why this happens and I feel for you. God Bless and let’s pray for a miracle

  18. Christa, you and your family are in my thoughts everyday. I hope the strength you inspire in everyone who meets you is returned tenfold. Please know that Lea is in my prayers and take comfort that you have an army of supporters who are here for you.

  19. Thinking of you daily Christa and lifting you all up in prayer. No words seem right. Just praying for strength for you all in every form.

  20. Your journey is unimaginable. I don’t know you but am praying for the best possible outcome for Lea. May I suggest looking into cannabis oil? There is some research on its use with brain tumors. Love and light to you all.
    Kim (Meg Peterson’s SIL)

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