My fingertips glided along the mouse of my MacBook Air as I scanned the long list of emails that filled my inbox. What did I miss…. I asked myself as I went back to the date before this awful journey began. The past (almost) month has been quite a blur. Combine that with receiving the most emails, texts and social media messages I ever have, and I know I was bound to miss something important. And then, it caught my eye… the itinerary confirmation for our family “girls” trip to Spain. We were supposed to leave today.
I quickly smashed my finger on the delete button, as if that would help make me feel better. Smilow instead of Spain. I wanted to scream. Or punch something. Or finally wake up from this nightmare.
The “girls” in my family have been planning this trip since there was snow on the ground, excited to see Majorca as a few generations of “Pellegrino” women and enjoy seven whole days together, no husbands, no kids.
Ok. Forget about it. Not an option. Moving on.
Just minutes later I penciled something in my planner (yes, I still use a pencil and paper planner. Stop judging me.) and saw the SPAIN imprinted in the pages. I had tried to erase it as best I could, but it was still there, taunting me.
This weekend we had three glorious days off from radiation. (Thank you Labor Day.) We worked, played, visited with friends, and I smiled more than I have in a while. Something I wondered if I would ever do again. There were moments where life actually felt normal. Lea is back in her own bed. We borrowed a friend and neighbors video monitor, something I never though I would use again. We put rails up around her mattress, again, something I never thought I would use again. And for the first time in a month, I slept next to Mike, not Lea. It felt strange. I slept terribly, waking up every hour or so to check the monitor, the bright screen blinding me as I had it on the highest setting, not wanting to miss any of her sounds or movements. I missed having her face next to mine, easily accessible for kisses at various hours during the night, or to smell her forehead, as I find myself doing a lot these days.
Although every day brings new challenges and new frustrations, I am working hard to find joy in every day. Some days it is harder than others, but what I realized is that joy can be found everywhere, we just have to look for it.
To see how our family is finding joy, follow me on Instagram.