Why us?

Christa Doran Uncategorized 34 Comments

Pediatric cancer.

Two words that should never go together.

I looked around the waiting room filled with other kids effected by this horrible disease. My eyes kept filling up with tears thinking about all they are going through. All Lea is going through. This is not fair. I hate this. Why us? Why? This can’t be happening…

Those phrases echo in my brain a lot these days.

Lea started radiation today. Exactly two weeks after our lives were forever changed. We will never be the same. We have endured things no one should, but many have. We have heard the worst news imaginable delivered to us in a small windowless room on the 7th floor of Yale, surrounded by (mostly) strangers. And because of it all, we will never look at things the same way. We have a new perspective on what is important in life and what truly matters and we are completely different people than we were just two weeks ago.

Much of the time this all feels like a bad dream that I will wake up from. But don’t.

Many have asked “how are you doing?” My standard response is to shrug my shoulders, part indifference, part defiance, as I don’t want to answer that question. “As bad as I have ever been in my life” is not the response they are looking for, but I don’t care.

My emotions have ridden a horrible roller coaster over the past fourteen days. There have been a few moments of joy and laughter sprinkled in between waves of anger, sadness, frustration, being completely overwhelmed, and sorrow.

Tragedy brings people together. We have seen this happen instantly before our eyes. My parents have moved in and we are living together again, something I never thought would happen, but I am so enjoying it. We are so grateful we have this big house, which we always thought was too big, but now we realize why we have it. My sister visits almost daily. We are so grateful she lives close. Our Tuff Girl and FMA community has been flooding us with emails of support, offering up contacts, connections, knowledge and expertise. Our fridge is filled with food. Our floor is covered with gifts. Our table is covered with notes of strength and support. Pretty amazing to have all these friendships, all these contacts, and this big, strong, incredible community, seeing as we moved here ten years ago and didn’t know one person.

Our strength has come from the support of these incredible people, and from our faith in a mighty God. And while we don’t understand the why, we know He will guide us through it. I have begged, bartered and pleaded with God for a miracle, and also asked Him to help us get through and make peace with what might be.

Many of you have asked what you can do. We know you want to help and we are so grateful for that. Right now, we have everything we need. We will be doing some fundraising soon and I will be sure to announce that loud and clear when we know more details.

Thank you for your prayers, texts, emails, cards, gifts, food, and friendship. We are so grateful to have such amazing people in our lives.

I will keep you updated here as I can.

Love,

Christa

Comments 34

  1. Christa-
    My words are meaningless. Just close your eyes and feel my love, prayers and peaceful energy I am trying to wrap around you, Lea, Live, Kiera and Mike.
    Forever-
    Tracey

  2. Sending hugs and prayers. Your strength inspires me, I know your little girl is a fighter. I am proud to know you and Mike.
    Luv, Jenn Aiden Green’s Mom

  3. Christa-
    Thank you for sharing this extremely personal and painful experience with us. As a mother of 2 young girls, one of whom even resembles Lea a bit- I am completely overcome. I weep for you. I pray for you. I envision your Lea being cured. Most importantly: I believe in love.
    Much love & miracles,
    Molly

  4. Thank you for sharing this Christa. It is good to hear from you. You write so powerfully. I was just in Canada and you have many of my Canadian friends praying for you all. And, I am wholeheartedly in the chorus of people that are sending all their love.

  5. Sending so much love to you all! Thank you for your strength in sharing this with us. Lea, the joy and bravery you radiate is inspirational!

  6. Sending hugs and prayers to you Lea…you are in our thoughts…Be strong little girl we are all here pulling for you. Anything we can do, we are here for you all Mike and Christa

  7. Thank you for keeping all of us informed. Like many of the others have said, I cannot stop thinking of you all; every time I think of you guys I pray- Anytime I walked in the gym sad or upset you opened up and shared a big hug, sending those big hugs right back- there Just are no words…. #sfl

  8. Christa, Mike, Liv, Lea and Keira,
    We are sending all of our love, prayers and positive thoughts your way. Believe in your strength and that of Lea, she is one beautiful fighter. Know that we are here for you and are sending hugs to you all.
    With all our love,
    Heather, Sean, Cait, Cara and Connor
    ???

  9. Christa- You and your family remain in my daily prayers. I can only imagine what you must be going through. Mostly I pray for Lea, may God bless her with strength and hope.

    God Bless
    Andrea

  10. Al and I were honored to join a group of like-minded believers to stand before God and pray for Lea, you and Mike, Liv and Kiera, you parents, and the rest of your family. You are loved and God is Mighty!

  11. No words here. Just love and amazing Grace that God gives daily to you and your family. Please know our hearts and Scott’s family are huge and full in prayer for you.

  12. Dear Christa,
    You don’t know me but I know you through many of my friends, coworkers and relatives that are Tuff Girls. July 8, 1995 is when our world changed and we were told our 4 year old son had Leukemia. You are right, those words Pediatrics and Cancer should never be said together. I suspect I know how you are doing. You are sleeping poorly, you are constantly worried about your Lea and your other children and trying so hard to be a wife, mother, daughter, friend and all of the roles you have been doing so effortlessly before. My advice to you, from one mother to another, is simply to say to those offering to help “thank you, that would be helpful”. Accepting help is difficult but essential to letting you focus on what matters right now. The lawn can be mowed by a stranger, an errand run by a friend and a meal made by someone who loves you. Just let them help you. They need to help you and they want to help in any way possible. This will let you have more energy for other things that need your attention.
    Your journey has begun and while no one knows exactly how you feel or how many rocks you will climb or turns you will need to make, you have the love of friends, relatives, and even strangers, that are sending you our very best for you and Lea and your whole family.
    Sincerely yours,
    Brenda

  13. Thank you for sharing. Im so glsd you are writing, its really the best for processing this and for you and for those who love you to be present to what your are going through. I am here always for an ear, a hug or anything else you need. We are thinking of you and your family and of course Lea and sending mad love. Xo

  14. As many have stated, no words can truly express all that is in the heart. Just know the Bailey family is praying for Lea, and you all, every day. God may only know the why, but we are here for the how. We will pray, love, and give all we have. May the love of friends and family help to guide and support you all. Love you beyond words my friend.
    ????

  15. Christa
    You are incredible! I don’t understand the why of this and my heart is broken that you and your family are going through this. Miracles do happen and I truly pray for one! I would love to give you a fat hug-but for now here’s a virtual one!!!! In the words spoken from a woman I truly admire-you’re strong, you got this!

  16. Christa,
    I admire your bravery. Your words are so powerful. I continue to pray and hope for a miracle for your beautiful Lea. Sending hugs, love and hope.

  17. Struggling putting words together. You words are powerful, your message impacts me and my family everyday, and I pray for Lea every chance I get.

  18. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We all feel so helpless. You are all in our thoughts and prayers. Much love, prayers, & hope!

  19. Dear Christa,
    Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless you all and continue to give you the strength that you need during this difficult time. Much love always, Jodi

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