Two words that should never go together.
I looked around the waiting room filled with other kids effected by this horrible disease. My eyes kept filling up with tears thinking about all they are going through. All Lea is going through. This is not fair. I hate this. Why us? Why? This can’t be happening…
Those phrases echo in my brain a lot these days.
Lea started radiation today. Exactly two weeks after our lives were forever changed. We will never be the same. We have endured things no one should, but many have. We have heard the worst news imaginable delivered to us in a small windowless room on the 7th floor of Yale, surrounded by (mostly) strangers. And because of it all, we will never look at things the same way. We have a new perspective on what is important in life and what truly matters and we are completely different people than we were just two weeks ago.
Much of the time this all feels like a bad dream that I will wake up from. But don’t.
Many have asked “how are you doing?” My standard response is to shrug my shoulders, part indifference, part defiance, as I don’t want to answer that question. “As bad as I have ever been in my life” is not the response they are looking for, but I don’t care.
My emotions have ridden a horrible roller coaster over the past fourteen days. There have been a few moments of joy and laughter sprinkled in between waves of anger, sadness, frustration, being completely overwhelmed, and sorrow.
Tragedy brings people together. We have seen this happen instantly before our eyes. My parents have moved in and we are living together again, something I never thought would happen, but I am so enjoying it. We are so grateful we have this big house, which we always thought was too big, but now we realize why we have it. My sister visits almost daily. We are so grateful she lives close. Our Tuff Girl and FMA community has been flooding us with emails of support, offering up contacts, connections, knowledge and expertise. Our fridge is filled with food. Our floor is covered with gifts. Our table is covered with notes of strength and support. Pretty amazing to have all these friendships, all these contacts, and this big, strong, incredible community, seeing as we moved here ten years ago and didn’t know one person.
Our strength has come from the support of these incredible people, and from our faith in a mighty God. And while we don’t understand the why, we know He will guide us through it. I have begged, bartered and pleaded with God for a miracle, and also asked Him to help us get through and make peace with what might be.
Many of you have asked what you can do. We know you want to help and we are so grateful for that. Right now, we have everything we need. We will be doing some fundraising soon and I will be sure to announce that loud and clear when we know more details.
Thank you for your prayers, texts, emails, cards, gifts, food, and friendship. We are so grateful to have such amazing people in our lives.
I will keep you updated here as I can.